Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Dragon's Den

As with most successful TV formats these days, Dragon's Den bases itself around a mind crushingly dull formula that repeats itself every week ad nauseam until your will to resist has been so eroded, that you give in and just sit there watching it like a fat goldfish.

The premise is simple. Crap inventors who can't make their ideas work in real life, (mainly because they are shit) enter into a kind of modern Fagan’s den and beg for money in front of five grumpy faced millionaire misers. Generally the misers or "Dragons" humiliate the inventors by belittling their shit ideas and convincing them that they are a worthless addition to the human race that should be terminated.

Sometimes however, they like the shit ideas enough to invest some of their money in return for all of the shares in the company. They achieve this Jedi mind trick by hypnotising the inventor into believing that they have massively over valued their company and that it is a huge risk for the Dragon to commit 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.1% of their fortune into this idea. Generally however, because the inventor's idea is shit and he or she knows it - they gratefully accept the "Dragon's" kind offer and depart, de-robed of their dignity, poorer than they were 20 minutes ago, but somehow happy.

The BBC say that Dragon's Den puts the "show" into business, but actually it’s just a kind of cruel begging bowl programme that exposes the world of business as the nasty, shit stained money pergatory that it is - hosted by a particularly horrible group of peronalityless financial terminators.

There's Duncan Bannatyne who confirms the Scottish cliché by being a grumpy cunt and never putting his hand in his pocket. He's like a robot who is programmed only to say "I donnae like your idea and a wonnae be investin in it." Then there's Mrs Shrek, or Deborah Meaden who is obviously a transvestite and is so repulsively ugly (both physically and intellectually) that not even a deaf, dumb and blind cripple would be tempted.

These two morgalons are joined by three others. Peter Jones, we are told, is a leisure industries and telecom millionaire whatever the fuck that is. To me, he just looks like a man who suffers from OCD and probably lives in a house where everything is wrapped in clingfilm. Then there James Caan who is almost likeable until you are told he has made his fortune in recruitment which immediately marks him down as bastard of the highest order who would sell his own mother for change. Finally there is a Greek dwarf called Theo Paphitis. I don't know what he does but he clearly suffers from short man complex as he is forever telling us how "big" his truck fleets are and "the size" of his global empire.

Together the greedy fuckers sit in front of their money piles, snorting at Joan from Wigan as she tries to convince them that the world needs a glass horse saddle. They scowl at John from Derby as he tries to sell them his inflatable light bulb. James Caan is in for half, but Duncan's not biting and the Greek dwarf has fallen asleep again.

Dragon's Den is supposed to be light entertainment, but I find myself going to bed incredibly tense and having horrible nightmares about Deborah Meaden trying fuck me. Is this what its like to be in business?

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